The Ancient King Thing......

So we are applying for a mortgage on our land and barn. We can't include the house, because it's illegal - but the mortgage requirement has arisen in the first place to pay the fine on the illegal house. That could only happen in Spain, surely?

The mortgage application process has become increasingly torturous and long-winded, to say the very least. Each new visit to the bank armed with everything we think we could possibly need (escritura, tarjetas, copies of the padrón, insurances, payslips, birth certificates, vital statistics.....) seems to elicit a request for something else. And so I am beginning to feel that we are in some sort of weird and surreal time pinch that has cast us as the dashing, terribly brave young knight Icandothat in the court of ancient King Bigideas in his kingdom of Empiresarus......

The heralds are crying the news from all four corners of the fortified city: "King Bigideas proclaims that the Knight who will bring him the crown jewels from the coffers of neighbouring Overthehill shall earn for himself the hand of the King's beautiful daughter Princess Hotvirgin."

Icandothat fancies a bit of that, so off he trots to yonder Overthehill on his trusty charger. After many daring and potentially lethal exchanges with the Overthehilliers, a few gratuitous killings and an expensive bribe to the King's personal butler, he manages to gain access to the coffers (in the shape of the King's chamberpot) and returns triumphantly to Empiresarus bearing the said chamberpot.

"King Bigideas," he proclaims, "I have the crown jewels from Overthehill - I claim the hand of Princess Hotvirgin to be mine!"

"Yes indeed, my boy," quoth the King. "Just bring her a posy of the electric pink Onedayonly flowers from yonder forest."

Icandothat thinks to protest, but Hotvirgen is leaning forward over her balcony, hanging on his every word, and he can see right down her bodice. "Of course, Sire. It would be my pleasure"

So he sets off on the disgruntled charger into the dark forest. They are set upon by strange tree creatures, bitten by any number of flies with big teeth, soaked by tropical rains, and generally made to feel very uncomfortable. After two days and two nights of fruitless searching, they finally find a solitary bunch of the flowers. Snatching them up, they turn and ride at full pelt back to Empiresarus to deliver the flowers to the Princess before they would fade.

"My King," gasped Icandothat, "The beautiful Princess has her flowers. I claim to myself her flower in return".

"Of course, my brave Knight, the claim is yours to make - but only after you have brought me back the head of the fearsome dragon that dwells in yon mountains and routinely calls here to dine of our best".

Now Icandothat is peeved - this wasn't in the original contract. However, Princess Hotvirgin is leaning from her ivory tower and waving a pair of her frilly pantaloons excitedly at her Knight gallant, so what is a young man to do? Back on the now-pissed-off charger, and off to the mountains they go.

After several days and nights without food (Icandothat was not great at pre-planning) and with water supped only from trickling streams laced with dragon pee, they managed to trap the enraged dragon in its cave, and after a fierce and bloody battle, slayed it.

Icandothat and his faithful steed limp back to the castle - dishevelled, bloodied, armour dented and covered in black dragon gore, but with the head of the slain dragon in tow.

"Your Highness," sighs Icandothat, "Here is the head of the troublesome dragon. I feel that I have now earned thrice over the right to shag your daughter".

The King looks at him for a full minute, then tips his head on one side and says, "Of course, of course. Just one more thing........"